Good afternoon world... Didn't really have a good morning... Woke up at 10-ish... I had 2 messages on my phone. One from Matt and one from Eileen... Matt wants to watch movie later at 1:15... don't think I'll be going... Eileen messaged on her way to work. Asked me to pray for her cos she's not feeling well... I think its one of those mass messages... Well I prayed for her... Also replied to tell her to get enough rest... Cos thats important too! God heals us but that doesn't mean we can take advantage of His goodness and not take care of our bodies... As Aunt Mee Siew always reminds, "Our body is a temple of God, so we have to take care of it". Sickness and pain is our body's way of telling us, "Hey! You need to treat me better!"

Anyway, after praying, I went out to the computer to play Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Played for about 30 minutes when my parents came back. Thats when my Dad started asking me whether I'd put my clothes in the cupboard. I said 'not yet' then he starting scolding me. Well things got kinda heated up. Went to my room to cool down and pray also... Felt led to pray for Eileen and her O'level results also. Dunno why. Going to meet Matt and some others to watch movie...

::: Quote of the Day :::
"I got up very early this morning and began my prayer after that. Somehow I felt that someone was listening to what I prayed. It’s just the feeling......It was the feeling of not being alone. " |New Christian girl from Thailand|

::: Verse of the Day :::
"Come near to God and He will come near to you." |James 4:8|

Evening people... Went to Queensway just now to look for shoes. Ended up buying a shirt... It cost $45. After that we took a bus down to Orchard. Headed to Far East Plaza. I got quite pissed off cos while I was crossing one of the roads, this lady in a BMW knocked me when she clearly saw me walking across the zebra crossing. I copied down her license plate number. But I don't think I'll do anything... Met up with Fad and the 4 of us went to Canadian Pizza for dinner... It was my treat! 2 for 1!!! Nurul and Fad had 3 slices each. Matt had 4. So I had to eat 6 slices... I hope I get fat!!

Had a lot of time to think today... I messaged her to ask if she knew how to get to queensway... She didn't reply. She probably has a reason. I'm not gonna bother thinking about what it is. I thought about the both of them. If I were in him, I wouldn't have done what he did. I would feel that it would spoil my chances... But then again, it wasn't totally his fault. She probably encouraged it? Why am I thinking about this again? Isn't it funny how these thoughts repeat themselves? One of these days, I'm gonna look back at my blog and laugh at myself... I'm gonna wonder why I was so foolish. One of these days...

Oon says not to base my life on emotions and feelings unless they are inline with the Word of God... But I can't help the way I feel. Its how God made me. Thats why I have this blog... This is how I get rid of my emotions. I throw them onto the 'paper'. Sometimes its difficult to tell the difference between promptings from the spirit and ideas from my mind. Gotta go off soon... My dad is making noise.

Dear God... Sorry to trouble you with the same topic again. I'm only human you see... My feelings still play a big part in my life... I know what your truths are. I know... but I don't feel them... Help me to cling to you even when things don't feel right. Help me to give this aspect of my life totally to you. You know I'm afraid to let go totally. You know I've been trying... Take care of her as well. Protect her from any temptation or harm. Guide her in the way you want her to go. I pray that she grows in you, whether we're meant to be together or not. Amen.

Good afternoon... Just woke up from an afternoon nap. Dreamt about her again. Sigh... Last night after blogging, I went back to my room to read the bible. I noticed that I had received a message on my phone. It was her. She had messaged me while on her way home from work. I shan't mention what was in the message but it was nice to receive something from her. At least I know that she still thinks of me once in a while. I'm not gonna do anything though. I'm going to wait for God to tell me what to do.

Had a communication skills test just now. 4 of us were supposed to make this book stand with 20 straws, masking tape, 3 sheets of thin cardboard, 3 sticks and some string. Our book stand was a failure but don't think we'll fail. Its comm skills, not some structural design course! Gotta go prepare to meet matt now...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
When you lose a part of your self
To somebody you know
It takes a lot to let go
Every breath that you remember
Pictures fade away but a memory is forever

God isn't going to show me everything that He's gonna do in my life yet. Its not time for me to know. I just have to live by faith. And yet there's a fear deep in me that if I place to much hope that His plan for me is for her to come back, it would somehow cause her not to come back. What is faith? Is it believing that she'll return? Is it not caring whether she'll return? Is it just believing that whatever happens would be for my good and His glory? I'm a confused one, aren't I? If I have problems understanding concepts on faith, how would a non-Christian understand?

::: Quote of the Day :::
"Thats why its important for the believer to leave the fulfillment of a word of wisdom in the Lord's hands and just stay in faith about what the Lord has told him" |Kenneth E. Hagin|

God: Patience, Daryl... Don't worry. I'll give you your heart's desire. Just continue to trust me. I'll take care of you.
Me: (whimpering)Ok. Don't make it too hard k?

::: Verse of the Day :::
"We live by faith, not by sight" |2 Cor 5:7|

Good evening people... Was woken up from my beautiful nap by a horrible scream. It sounded like someone was being brutally murdered. In actual fact, it was Yvette screaming because Spunky almost ate our bak kua.

When I pulled on a t-shirt and came out of the room I saw the guy. I turned to walk back into my room but I didn't want to be rude. And I don't hold grudges. Wrote the following this afternoon but there was a problem with blogger.com. Some server crashed I think.

Good morning people! I'm in the same lab that I was in yesterday. Waiting for the specialist lab to be free so that I can do project with my group. Also waiting for matt... I wanted to go shopping for shoes but then I'm having second thoughts now. Feel like going home to rest. Lazy me...

Yet again, I'm thinking about her. I wonder if she even cares what I'm going through right now. I wonder if she would be interested to know about my life. Sometimes I really feel like messaging her the address to this blog. But it wouldn't matter to her would it? It wouldn't change anything? If she really cared, wouldn't she do something? Maybe its just wishful thinking. Sometimes I wonder whether God has told her anything else. I hope she isn't using God as an excuse. That would be very bad. For her and for me. I wonder why she said the things she did when we talked on the phone and when we chatted on ICQ. Is it regret? Or does she derive some perverse pleasure out of giving me hope and watching me crash again?

My greatest fear is that she would think I'm no longer interested in her... that I no longer care. But then again, I think if she actually sat down and thought about it, she'd know what I feel. Her 4 month promise just popped into my head again. I think there's about 3 months left? Part of me wants her to come back, another part of me wants her to be TRULY happy. If its with another guy, what can I do? Love isn't forced or controlled. Love is about choice. Just like the choice that God gave us. God loves us no matter what we do. Its our choice whether we want to respond to Him or not. Would you call God foolish? Would I be foolish if I still loved her? I have a speck of understanding what God feels.

Prodigal's son? I wonder how the father felt... I wonder many times he felt like giving up. I wonder if he ever felt like scolding God. I wonder if he ever had the urge to go search for his son. I wonder if he'd been called foolish. I wonder if he ever felt foolish. I wonder how many tears he shed. Why did she cry when she broke up with me? Was there something there? I remember when I broke up with Agnes during my secondary school days, I didn't cry. Why'd she cry? Pain? Regret? PITY?

I just realised something. Its exactly 3 months since she broke up with me. I wish I could just hold her tightly in my arms again.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time you'd need me
I'd be there every time...

But for now I'll look so longingly, waiting...
For you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me

Going to sleep soon... Had a nice time playing soccer just now. Felt my legs weren't responding the way I wanted them to though... Sigh... I'm getting old. haha. I suddenly had a scary thought... What if everyone I know reads my blog? How embarassing!!! But then again, I have nothing to hide... I'm blameless. I done nothing wrong. And I've been forgiven for the things that I did do wrong.

Thats the joy of living your life according to His will... You don't have to be ashamed of anything! Because everything that you do will give glory to God. Thats the way I want to live. I don't want to hide anything anymore.

Well... I'm going to spend some time with God now. Gonna ask Him some questions about her.
My gosh... God just spoke to me again.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD ; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. |Psalm 37:3-6|

Good Tuesday afternoon world... Did I mention that I hate tuesdays? hahaha... I'm waiting for my lab sessions later on at 2pm... Two 2 hour sessions... YUCKS. Luckily I have a new CD to listen to... I just burnt this CD full of dashboard confessional songs and other assorted emo songs... :P

Have been thinking alot yesterday and today... Don't get me wrong... I'm rejoicing that God has a great plan for me. I can't wait to serve Him. But somehow there's this thought about her. Am I supposed to move on without her? How come God is so clear about what He wants me to do for Him but so silent about her? Does this mean we won't get back together? Yesterday at the airport I was reminded of the first time we went there together. Actually, I went there to meet Jocelyn, Dennis as well as her. We weren't together at the time. But I remember the excitement of seeing her. (Actually I was looking for her for almost an hour I think... She didn't have a handphone then.) I remember her straight forward attitude. I remember she liked my poems, especially the pointless one. I remember forgetting myself when I was with her. Things didn't matter when I was with her. It didn't matter how I looked or how I behaved. She could see inside.

Or so I thought. I guess over the two years, I found that I couldn't handle a relationship. I began to place her above God. She was my god. How I loved her... How I treasured her. I always wanted her to be happy. There came a time where she started to learn more about God. She would ask me things about God and I wouldn't be able to answer. I always knew the basics about Christianity, but ask me to prove it and I would flounder most of the time. I didn't know how to prove it. It was just the way I was brought up. Anyway, I could see she was hungering for more of God... I didn't have that same hunger. I wasn't that interested.

There came a point where she began to question our relationship. Were we glorifying God in what we did? Were we an example to others? So many questions that I didn't want to answer. I just wanted to love her. I think I frustrated her because I couldn't care about God as much as she did. So now here I am... I'm getting back to God. BUT NOT FOR HER. Please don't make that mistake. I'm love God. He's got my attention.(yet again.) I don't want to go through something worse without Him. I hope she doesn't lose the hunger.

I'll just put what I think down here. What I want is to be the best I can be for God and follow God's will. I want her to do the same as well... Then hopefully our paths will cross again. And we can serve God together. Sounds strangely like a fairy tale doesn't it? But He is the God of impossible isn't He? Then again its His plan not mine.

::: Verse of The Day :::
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me"
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." |John 14:1 & 27|

Good afternoon world... I came back from school early today.. I took a cab back. I had the 'tiredness' headache again. When I reached home, I collapsed in bed and fell asleep for 2++ hours... Feel much better now. Oh yah! My lecturer returned my Matriculation Card today... He said he couldn't find my CP. But I think he's just super nice. :) Praise God.

As Lynette reminded me of what Tony's wife said, tears came to my eyes again. Why me? Why of all people choose me? All my life, I've had prophecies telling me that I would be something for God. They made be feel proud but I never really understood them till now. Its time to stop kicking and fussing and time to start moving with God. There's still a small nagging thought at the back of my head... Where does she fit into this? Was she just an instrument for me to get back to God? Romans 8:28 comes again... Its such a great verse to fall back on.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"God Wants You!!! God wants you. God wants you. GOD WANTS YOU!
You are a dangerous man...for God. With God on your side you will do great things... influence many lives. You've already started influencing lives.
That is why you've had an attack on your life. And oh.....what an attack!
With God on your side, you will have victory..."

:::Lyric of The Day :::
I begged you not to go.
I begged you, I pleaded.
Claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.

What a day... Woke up at 7-ish. Mad time...Reached church at 8:50am... Continued reading A Grief Observed while waiting for Gan to arrive... Pat and Gloria supposed to come but they were late... Quiet time was good.

The worship and sermon today was really good as well... I really felt God's presence... Still confused on whether its because I hunger or because the worship is good. The Tony guy is really annointed. Spoke truths that I didn't realise...The killer part happened near the end of the service. Felt God speaking to me through Tony's wife... I didn't even register what she said... I just broke into tears... over and over again. Whenever she said some truth about God. The tears would come again... After service ended, Lynette called me to come and let Tony's wife pray for me. The words that came from her mouth were like torches that chased away the shadows. I thank God for this reassurance and encouragement. I thank God for His plan for my life. Its so much better than what I would have liked for myself. I thank God for my family who loves me so much... There are so many things to thank God for!!!

I passed her my old handphone battery and a packet of kinder bueno. It used to be her favourite. :-> I wonder whether God wants me to forget her totally. I mean, I think that now I can safely say that I put Him of higher importance then her. Is it enough? Do I have to stop all feelings for her? I still have dreams about her. If I absoutely have to, I will... For Him I will. For now, I still miss her.

After church, we went to Whata Fish to have lunch. I had fish and chips... After that Pat, Gloria and I walked back to church. It was a hot day... :P Had a good teaching session by Stanley during the leaders meeting. The meeting ended around 6-ish... I headed down to Borders again cos I wanted to get a CD... My original intention was to get the Dashboard Confessional album but $23 for 10 songs didn't really appeal to me... Also considering the fact that I have most of the songs on MP3... Saw At the Drive-in also but didn't really appeal much... I finally decided on AudioVent... It cost only $18.

Reached home at 8-ish just in time to have dinner with my family... Watched Manchester United trash West Ham 6-0... Hahaha... Its been a good day. Thank God... Hafta go sleep now. Really haven't had enough sleep the past week.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.
I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out...

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.

The wedding dinner was held at Hyatt Hotel... Very posh... felt awkward and out of place. I wished she could be with me again. Really feel very lonely whenever I see couples together. Makes me miss her... I wonder if I'm still going to have feelings for her after the one year. Difficult to say cos its only been 7 days... There's still 365 - 7 = 358 more days. yikes...

Its sunday morning... I've to go to sleep soon... hafta wake up early to meet Gan for QT... Really praise God that he took the initiative to ask me to do with him... Thank God that Matt and Song are coming to church too!!!! WheeEeee! hahaha... God works in marvelous ways.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Pouring over photographs
I'm living in your letters
Breath deeply from this envelope
It smells like you
And I can't be without that scent
It's filling me with all you mean to me

Good afternoon world... Its a hot, sunny saturday and I just got back from my cousin's wedding... The ceremony was small but nice. Actually, I don't really like to go to weddings cos they remind me of what might have been... But I was doing a favour for my uncle. Had to video the whole thing so that they can NOT watch it for the rest of their married lives... lol.

This morning when I woke up I was feeling kinda lousy... The same lousy feeling that I get every morning when I realise that I've only been dreaming... :p Anyway, I wanted to go wash up but I was so tired and feeling so lousy that when I got into my bathroom, I sat down on the toilet and started praying.

"Dear God, You know my heart and my desires. You know what I want and what I need... If what I want is not in line with what you want for me, Lord, you help me deal with it. Lord, all I ask now is that you take care of her. You show her the way she needs to go. You teach her what she needs to know. Because no one else can. Amen."

That was my prayer in the bathroom. It wasn't as quick as that though... There were so many thoughts rushing through my mind. You might ask, "I thought you've already let go?"
Excuse me... If it was so easy, I would have done it. Letting go is not a one time thing... Its something I have to do everyday...

Its been quite a long day... Met up with Andy & Pat to help them with the preparation for the XS Challenge tomorrow. Actually I didn't help out much... :P Andy picked me up from school in the church van. Then we drove to NUS to meet Pat... Had a nice chat with him on the way. Talked about lotsa stuff... Went for lunch at the Yusof Ishak Hall. They have a nice cafe there. The food wasn't too bad. After lunch, the 3 of us headed to Bras Basah cos Andy needed to get the prize for the XS challenge from Tecman. Browsed thru some nice Christian books... After that I went to the library at Marine Parade to borrow A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis... Gonna read it later :P Found out that I owe the National Library more that $30... Time to go into hiding. heheheh. Had some coffee at starbucks before heading back to church to prepare the materials & equipment for the games tomorrow.

If I had a dollar for everytime I worried about whether she'd come back, I'd be able to buy a new computer. If I had a dollar for everytime I thought of her, I'd probably be able to buy a house... Now if only she was for sale. *lame chuckle*

::: Lyric of the Day :::
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart

"Good evening people... Haven't been in the greatest of moods lately.. I've been thinking alot again... Was talking to Nurul till quite late last night.. After that I waited for the man utd vs blackburn match... I watched till it was 2-1."

I wrote that last night... I was in the mood to blog but my dad had to use the computer for his assignment thingy. :-P The street soccer tournement yesterday was crap... I didn't play as well as I wanted. My team had to wear the 'bibs' over our jerseys and whenever I had the ball, the bib kept blocking my view of the ball. One of my classmates kept losing his cool during the match... another one of my classmates lost his bag... Poor guy... Hope someone returns it.

I had a nice time talking to God yesterday night when I was walking home from the 15 bus-stop. Things always seem better when you have God with you. Call it psychological, call it what you want. But I know its true. Going to school now... Meeting Andy and Pat later... Yay! hahaha...

::: Quote of the Day :::
"Its very easy to confuse a physical attraction with a real connection...
...but you can tell, by the kiss."

If you know me, you'll know what I mean.

Not in a good mood...
Going home now.
No point waiting...
She'll be asleep for quite a while more...

Good evening everyone... If I could sum up my day in one word, it would be 'eventful'. Reached school at 9-ish... The same headache I had the day before was starting up again... After that everything seemed fuzzy... Could hardly remember anything. I remember Matt telling me to take panadol. But I didn't want to cos I believe that God CAN heal. Kept praying... Thank God that I was healed before our performance... Had a quick prayer with the band before heading 'onstage'. We did relatively well, all things considered... I just watched our video and realised that we were playing WAY too fast... hahaha...

Summary of my Day

Quite a lot of our friends came down to see us... So happy. haha... Quite a few came late too! Some came after we finished...

I got into some trouble with one of my lecturers today. Got my matriculation card confiscated... I apologised to him after that. Didn't get my matric card back... But that wasn't why I apologised anyway... Wanted him to know I was really sorry.

I was in the bus, on the way home when I found that my phone was missing. When I got home and called my phone, NURUL answered... She said I left my phone in the canteen in TP as we were all getting up to leave... I distinctly remember being the last one to leave and checking the area...

Feel like calling her...

Hey people... Just a quick update before I go to bed... She won't be going for our performance tomorrow cos she has work... I guess we won't be playing that song anymore... :-\
Will definitely blog about it tomorrow... Goodnight.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

Good afternoon boys and girls... I'm now in the year one Java labs with Matt... I've got a stupid APEL lesson at 5pm... Another one of those lessons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the course I'm taking... Bleah...

Today I woke up with a splitting headache. Usually I would just down 2 panadols and go to school... But today I wanted to test my faith that God can heal... When I was washing up, I was praying that God would take away the pain. It worked for about 10 minutes... When I got into my dad's car, it came back again. I continued to pray and kept claiming God's promise that 'we are healed by His stripes'... It was really a tough 'battle'. There were so many times I felt like just going to the drink stall to buy a couple of panadols... But I kept fighting it. The pain was so great sometimes that I had to squint. :P Well... I thank God that even though the pain didn't go away immediately, I could still concentrate in class. It was during my break where I got a chance to lie down for awhile. When I woke up, there were 4 girls sitting in front of me... hahaha... They were my classmates... :-) Anyway, I continued 'rejecting' the pain... Then when I went for the next lesson, I FELT SO MUCH BETTER!!! I praise God!!!

Gosh... I feel like peeing... 15 minutes more till 5pm...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Would it be to much to ask
to be the one to take care of you
Is it so hard to say?
A few simple words would make my day

You bring back the past
as if it means something to you.
Are you telling me the truth?
You're always making me confused
I stand accused....

Yeah, I still love you
Yeah, I still need you
Yeah, I still want you back
Even when I've been broken
into a million... pieces
I still want you back...

Come back to what you know...
The arms that held you safe...
The hand you used to hold...
The lips you used to kiss...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good evening world... I am now 20 years old. Yay... the most meaningless age in life. Neither a teenager nor an adult... hahaha... Woke up at 8:50 this morning... Had to wake Dale up... Ended up going for the pre-worship meeting late... The band didn't click today. Lynette said worship was good anyway. i felt that we didn't play well cos I couldn't hear the rest of the band through my monitor...

After church, I went with Matt and the CG to parkway parade... Matt bought the pair of van's slip-ons that he'd been eyeing for quite awhile... After that we went to MPH. I got $100 from my parents as a birthday present but couldn't find anything nice to buy...

I felt that I needed some time to myself so I decided to go to Orchard. Went to Borders to look at CDs... I smsed Eileen to ask her if she wanted to meet cos she ended work around that time. She couldn't meet cos she was going to take the bus with some of her colleagues. So I wandered around borders for a while more before going to burger king to have fries. Slacked and read my book for about 20 minutes... After that, I went to the swensens beside paragon to get a table and wait for my family to come for my birthday dinner... Had a very nice time talking to Oon and Lynette... Sigh... basically it was a long day... I'm quite tired now... Happy Birthday ME!

::: Verse of the Day :::
"Therefore I tell you, what ever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." |Mark 11:24|

::: Lyric of the Day :::
As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday
Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

Ladies and gentlemen... Today you are reading the words of a fool... A fool that keeps forgetting the goodness of God. A fool who knows that God NEVER fails but starts whining whenever things seem to go wrong. Why do I keep doubting?

Dear God, I give myself wholly to You. Rule and reign in the kingdom of my heart. I surrender all! Help me to put you first. Help me not to base my emotions on situations or people. I have total trust and confidence in You, knowing that You have my best interest at heart. Help me not to forget that. Help me to stick with You even when things seem to be going wrong. Teach me to pray for what I should, not what I want. Amen.

Hey everyone... Its been a long day. Woke up at 9 plus this morning... Dunno why. Went to highlight my hair. Its quite striking now. The 'full-dress' rehearsal was alright... The drumset was weird. Couldn't play the way I wanted too...

Anyway, I'm not feeling in the best of moods right now. I rushed down to prayer meeting in a cab after the rehearsal. After prayer meeting, I thought we could all go for supper together. She was there too... Then, all of a sudden, 'the guy' pulled up in his car and she said, "I've gotta go..." I was shocked... After all this time, she's still putting herself in those kind of situations? I dunno... Is it because I still have feelings for her? Is what she's doing right? Sometimes I really feel like screaming in her ear, or shaking her to wake her up. I've been trying to find reasons to justify her actions for her. But I've run out of them... Why is she doing this? Why did she say one thing and do another? She's not fulfilling the conditions that I talked about yesterday. I'm very close to giving up on her. maybe thats what I should do... Maybe I shouldn't care about her anymore. I mean seriously speaking... she obviously doesn't care about me. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE SO SOON AFTER YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE??? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE TIME OFF FROM RELATIONSHIPS AND STILL GO OUT WITH OTHER GUYS??? Is it just me? Am I too sensitive?

I'm sorry to say this, but I think that she has REALLY changed... I really don't recognise her anymore. She's so different. Maybe I was wrong... Maybe she's not the one I'm supposed to spend my life with... Maybe I heard wrongly from God.

Dear God, why is this happening? Am I not putting you first? What am I doing wrong? Why am I still getting hurt? Please tell me what I need to do? You know I only have you left. If you fail me, I dunno what I'll do... Without You I'm NOTHING...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
as I recall when my stomach turned
and I was hiding away from myself
away from you
like nothing but something was terribly wrong
and I admit that I was only waiting for the right time
right moment for you to look away
though you never did I pretended for a while
so I could walk where I don't belong

I remember every word you said
come back in time come back
and I remember I was too beaten
pitiful so pitiful

Good evening people... Jamming today was good. We tightened the 4 songs a lot. Just found out that we are gonna be the only rock band on that day... meaning that we'll have a longer set... Woohoo! During jamming I 'accidently' learnt a new form of double pedalling!!! hahaha... I mean I just could do it like that... Amazing.. Thank God! Hopefully I'll be able to borrow the 2nd pedal from Swee Lee... :P Btw, Maha did come for jamming... :-)

I'm supposed to go out with the CG for dinner tomorrow.. .celebrating my birthday.. But then I just found out that there's prayer meeting tomorrow... Should I tell them to go for prayer meeting instead? I want to put Him as priority...I should decide soon...

I wrote this at 10-ish this morning but somehow it didn't get posted... Luckily I copied the text before I clicked 'Post'...
Good morning world... Here I am in school again. I'm learning how to stream video files on the net. This means the video files are 'chopped up' into smaller packets which allows users to watch one packet while downloading another... THIS IS SO FUN!!! I'm leaping up and down in joy!!! Chih... Yesterday My group members and I went around school doing some filming for a project. I suggested an idea that I got from the Remy Zero music video. The one where the everyone is walking backward except the lead singer. It was quite fun walking backwards along the overhead bridge. I should be helping my group members edit the video, but I'm too tired to get out of my seat. :P

Later we're going jamming... Maha won't be joining us. He has some FYP thingy... No 'screaming' today ... :-(

Its really strange... I haven't heard from her in 5 days. She didn't reply my sms. I wonder if she's ok. Maybe she's just busy. I've been praying for her. I just hafta trust God with what He's gonna do in my life. I read through some of the e-mails we used to send to each other.. haha. I really miss those times...

The question I have is, if I give the year to God, will I get anything out of it? Will she fall into my arms again.. haha... But thats not the attitude I should have. If I really release everything to Him, that question and many others wouldn't matter. I'm working on it... There also has to be certain conditions that she has to fulfill... That is, IF, its God's will...

::: Verse of the Day :::
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." |Romans 8:28|

I just hafta claim this... Whatever happens is something He wants me to learn. Right now He wants me to learn to handle this. Gotta leave the lab now... update more later...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How long can I go on like this
Wasting away
And now I choke on the tears
that aren't even....

There are no words left to say
Is this the price to pay
For loving you?
You're the angel I never knew

Would you wait for me?
Would you learn to be
The one for me
The one I need?

Its too late for regret
but not too late to change
I won't say a word
I won't even whisper in your ear
This is your decision
You decide...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Don't really feel like blogging... Gonna do some QT then go to bed... Scored quite a few just now during soccer... 4 goals i think. Had a 'flashback'... Suddenly that feeling of dread came back. I dunno... I don't like it. Makes me feel lost, afraid and alone. Goodnight...

I really don't like Tuesdays... They're the worst day of the week for this semester... I start at 8am and end at 6pm... With 2 one hour breaks in between... More than 10 hours in school. Yucks. Can't wait to go home.

I met up with Matt and Shen just now to chat awhile... We discussed about some band stuff. Found out that we might only be able to play 8 minutes on that day... Thats lame... We prepared so hard... I hope we get the full 15 minutes. Later Magdalene a.k.a. SaintMag came to meet us... She's very quiet... hahaha. She's shy I think... After that I went to play soccer with some of the guys (eg. Song, Laifu, Jianxiang etc...) Went for lab 20 minutes late, but luckily the teacher didn't notice me... LoL...

Learnt some things about Nurul today... I'm not upset by what she did, but it is kinda troubling... People never cease to amaze and disgust... Thats what makes life so interesting... Hahaha... You would think that she would've learnt her lesson by now... All I can do is pray...

YEAH!!!! Schools out! Woohoo!!! I think I'll be taking number 15 home. I just bought batteries for my discman. The simple pleasures of life... Music and a nice seat on the bus... Thank God for that!

::: Verse of the Day :::
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." |Psalm 119:9-11|

I had a very nice nap for about 2 hours just now... I think I really needed the rest. When I woke up at 8 the sky was almost dark... I almost cried when I thought of her... I wish I could get back the times where we would stare out of the window and she would be in my arms... It is a struggle everyday to remember where I should put my hope and trust. But when I do, He NEVER fails me... The peace that comes is so incredible...

I'll be going to spend time with God before I sleep...

::: Verse of the Day :::
"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." |2 Timothy 2:22|

Feeling kinda tired now... The feelings are coming back again. I'm starting to miss her again... I want to hear her voice again. I want to see her face. I want to... But I shouldn't...

Today during my 2 hour break I read about not just obeying God, but following His timing as well... Its not time to do anything. I should be patient. God, give me strength...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
You were on my mind inside the cinema
You looked so beautiful I almost had to go
And when I got outside I thought of you again
I think you should be framed in some Fine Art gallery
I know you'd disagree with me but I love you anyways
Oh won't you go stay with me I know you'd disagree with me
I just know you'd disagree But I love you anyways

Good monday world! Here I am back to the mundane drudgery of school... Yay! hahaha... Anyway, the weekend was good. To be honestly honest, I felt like messaging Eileen the past 2 days but I had to control myself... I don't want to do anything that isn't in line with God's will.

Had a chat with Matt on IRC last night... He was upset at some person. He's got a good heart. Hope he doesn't keep meeting with people who take advantage of him. He got quite frustrated during the chat cos he thinks that I don't understand. Sometimes I find it quite funny cos I know that I've got people who care about me, a family who loves me and God.... God who's everything... What do I have to be worried about? Sometimes I wish I could 'teach' him to let go of his burdens to God. Its so much easier. Not that the pain won't be there, but God makes it so much more bearable.

I just hope that I can be a good friend to him.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Then in violent frustration he cries out to God or just no one
Is there a point to this madness and all that he was.
Is this just a tragedy

::: 2nd Lyric of the Day :::
When there's not much left to say
Words better left unspoken
Let me hear from you
When your heart is broken

Hello world.. Just a quick update... We did really well for the audition... We got in. Praise God!!! Hopefully we'll do just as well for the gig.

Its been awhile...

Hello world... Its been a good day today!!! :-) Didn't get to meet up with Jeshri... Seems that she's frightened of me... hmmm.... Song changed his mind and didn't join us to go HMV... Surely enjoying himself with his girlfriend... heheheh...

Anyway, we were at HMV looking for CDs... found that all the CDs which I like cost 27 bucks!!! expensive until mad.. I have this policy... I refuse to buy any CD that costs more than 23 dollars... Decided to go to borders... Matt was complaining about having to buy another farecard. haha... Then Matt started complaining that he was hungry. So we ate at Macs at Wisma... After dinner, Matt said he was tired. hahaha.. You get the idea...

At borders I found the 'blindside' album... Then I found 'the used' which I also like... I also found 'finch'... Decided to get blindside and the used. Now I'm 40 bucks poorer. hahaha... I've been buying lots of CDs recently... Can't help it. Music is something I'm really close to...

Well... Gotta go sleep now. Actually, I'll be spending time with God first... Haven't really set aside time to read the bible these few days... I don't wanna drift away from him just because things are going well... Wish me luck for the audition tomorrow...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
...And over and over I see you walking
and over and over i see you smiling
and over and over I say to you
and over and over.... again....
I know i know I know i love you....
I know i know... you're gonna take me away

Good afternoon... Just got back from school. Went to school for a 45 minute lecture. Pointless.... Going to have my lunch now. I'll be accompanying Matt to Kallang to meet Jesh later... I hope I won't be 'extra' :P

Anyway, we'll be meeting up with Song to go to CityLink's HMV later... I'm gonna get the 'blindside' album. They're a Christian band... I really respect bands who declare that they're Christians to the world... Once you do that, people start to look at you differently. I know its not easy, cos people will have this mindset that Christians bands are supposed to be flawless and 'goody goody'.

I hope that one day, I'll be able to use my abilities to serve God in music... Not just playing for worship services but going to perform in gigs and coming up with albums etc...
Check this out... Its hilarious....

Good evening everyone... I'm alone at home with Spunky right now... Waiting for my parents to come home with Dinner... Quite hungry.

I met up with Eileen for a while just now... Passed her the lipstick and the "max lucado" book. Couldn't help staring at her every once in a while... I'm really thankful that I got to talk to her today... Even if it was only for half and hour or so. She had to rush off to go shopping with her mom... Its good that she's spending more time with her family now.

People around me have been really encouraging lately. I guess they can see a change in me. I thank God for that... I can only pray that I'll always be small and transparent. Small so that God can show how big He really is... and transparent so that His light can shine through me... In many ways, the break up has had many positive effects on me...
1) I trust totally in God. Spending time with Him and learning about Him.
2) I'm learning where my priorities should lie and how I should manage them.
3) More time to do His work and care for His people.

::: Promise to God :::
Duration: One year from my 20th Birthday (Specifically 19 January 2003 to 19 January 2004)
Reason: I felt that God spoke to me... Was confirmed with Joshua Harris’ book, ‘I kissed Dating goodbye’
Purpose: To allow myself time to grow in the Lord. To learn more about God. To enjoy singlehood. To get over the break up. To generally prepare myself for my future spouse.

Good afternoon world! Just finished a 2 hour 'Communication Skills' Tutorial. They're teaching us how to be effective & active listeners. I think the lecturer is full of crap... So hypocritical. And she discourages people... Its not that I have anything against her... I just don't like it when she tells us to do certain things as if its the ONLY way it could be done... I don't like this keyboard either... Its so hard to type... OK! I hafta stop whining...

Eileen hasn't replied about the meeting time... I think I'll sms her soon. Didn't spend time with God yesterday... Feel lost today... Is it supposed to be like that? Am I this useless without Him? Well... I guess I am... Gonna go for lunch now. Hopefully God will tell me whats wrong...

::: Quote of the Day :::
"Always back up what you say with actions so that you will not be a hypocrite."

Hello... Its almost bedtime now... It has been an EXTREMLY long day... was in school from 8am to 5pm but only had lessons from 8 to 9:30... Go figure... hahaha! Jamming was alright. I felt we were tighter on 'letters to you' and 'could it be any harder'. But I made quite a lot of mistakes on 'Running Away' and 'Sweetness'... I've given up trying to record our jamming sessions on MD... Quality will always suck.

Had a talk with Nurul just now... Confirmed some things with her. Things that I told her before... I hope that she's ok. I think Matt is affected by this. Mistakes always come and bite you in the ass... Well, I know I won't do it again...
I'm probably meeting Eileen tomorrow... Hope things go well.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"...see scars differently. Rather than serve as a reminder of your own pain, let them become a picture of your Saviour's sacrifice."

Hello again... I'm still in school. Still waiting for Matt... I've been surfing through websites of local bands. There are quite a few good ones around... After that I went to scout for some web hosting services. The cheapest was $8.50 per month. Comes up to $100 a year... Dunno whether the rest of the guys wanna invest in it... Maybe after we perform once or twice.

I met Saliani just now in the canteen. So nice to see her again. hahaha... I accompanied her to print notes... Started talking about Eileen...
Everytime I think about Eileen and what she has to go through, my heart feels so burdened. I don't want her to make the mistakes I made. I don't want her to go through the pain I had to go through. But then again, I'm thankful that I did. Cos now I'm so much closer to God. Maybe it's the only way she'll learn? I hope not. Lynette says we don't need bad things to happen before we can be close to God. I hope Eileen realises it. So many things I wanna tell her... I can only hope and pray that she'll listen. Life would be so much easier if you had a friend like God walking with you through the tough times...

::: Verse of the Day :::
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ. " |Gal 6:1-2|

Good morning world... Its 9:30am and I'm in school... I only have one lesson today but its a 3 hour long lab... Still have 1 and a half hours to go.... Later hafta wait till 1 for Matt... We're going shopping with Song... surely mad spending spree. he has HMV and Taka vouchers. Don't think I'll be going to use his voucher...
Its really surprising that I'm not VERY tired now... I only had 4++ hours of sleep last night... I was singing worship songs till 2 am :)
Can't wait for jamming later... Its at 6... I brought my semi-acoustic to school... Hopefully we can get our act together by today... Auditions coming up on Saturday...

Been thinking and praying about whether to meet her tomorrow... I still don't have a 'CONFIRMED' answer.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"You can't replace the Peace that comes from walking in His Will :::

There's my answer right there...

Well... Finally done with the customization. Ladies and gentlemen... Sooner or later, I guess I had to have a blog... I mean, just look!!! everyone has one! hahaha...
Enough of the B.S.
Seriously... who reads this crap anyway? It doesn't matter to me... I really don't know why i signed up. I guess I was bored.
Its late now. Hafta go sleep. tomorrow lessons start at 8... meaning I hafta wake up at 6:45am.
Goodnight everyone... Sweet dreams...
by the way, why are Blogs always so depressive? I just read thru what I typed... It seems to portray a sense of doom and gloom... hahahaha!
The Joy of the Lord is my Strength...

::: Quote of the Day :::
"r u totally alright now? like u dun care anymore? as in... i dun matter to u, in dat way, anymore?"

::: Reply of the Day :::
"I'm letting God care... Cos its easier..."

IT WORKS!!! HALLELUJAH!!!
hahahahaaa

i need to see if the scrolling works...
test test test
school sucks
wheee.... la di da
will i succeed?

hmmm.... the postings are over the ad
hahaha
a bit ugly though... hmmm....

testing